One of those days

Today is one of those days. I don't know if you have them but I assume since you're human you know what I'm talking about. It's one of those days where I just want to stay in bed and mope. I feel sad. It could be because I woke up at 4:00am to the sound of a screaming baby and didn't get to go back to sleep til 6:30 or it could be a hormonal thing or maybe there's no reason at all for it. I'd like to think that there's at least a reason. Today is one of those days where I feel like no one cares. Rocky doesn't love me. Adelaide is crying because of me. I don't have any real friends. No one cares. I know I'm being pathetic especially since I'm writing about it, but in some weird way it helps me to write about what's going on. I guess it's good that I'm at least recognizing my situation and am trying not to take it out on anyone but I want to feel normal today. I want to laugh when Adelaide laughs. I want to be happy when I go about my day but it feels impossible.

I really want to figure out what's going on with Adelaide. She seems really sad today too. Is it because I'm down or is it once again the whole lack of sleep thing? The two of us have been functioning that way recently. Adelaide's always been a good sleeper but the last two weeks have not been typical. She's had some good nights but they've been the except to the rule not the norm. She's been waking up almost every night at 3 or 4 am screaming. Not crying, screaming. I try and wait it out thinking she'll go back to sleep but she won't. Finally I'll go up to her room and try to console and nothing works. Rocking, no. Walking, no. Talking to her, no. All that will calm her is nursing. So I nurse her. Then she'll fall asleep so I try to put her in her crib and as soon as she hits the sheets, screaming. Even when she woke up in the middle of the night as a newborn, she'd eat and go immediately to sleep. Last night she laid in bed inconsolable and unable to fall asleep for over 2 hours. It was heartbreaking.

So naturally today after struggling with this issue for 2 weeks off and on, I'm beginning to question everything. Is she eating enough during the day? Is she not feeling well? Is she still adjusting from our trip? Basically the only thing that seems to fit is the whole eating thing. Adelaide just hasn't been eating much at all. She may nurse for 4 minutes total. Then I'll offer her a bottle and she won't take that either. Sometimes she'll flatly refuse to eat anything at all. Most meals are only 3 ounces or so when at this point she's supposed to be eating 6-8 each. She's actually eating less now than when she was younger. It's really weird. So sometimes I think when she's waking up in the middle of the night she's actually hungry now and finally giving in. Not cool. It's so weird that eating has always been Adelaide's biggest issue. She cries most when we're trying to feed her.

I know that's not the only reason I'm feeling sad though just the one that I feel like working on today. I'm hoping we'll figure out what to do soon, if there is anything else we can do.

It's sorta been a lonely week too. Our bible study was canceled on Sunday and our normal Wednesday night hang out was off so I think I'm just missing people. Once again of course I'm thinking that they probably don't miss me. (Remember I'm in "I feel worthless" mode). Here's to hoping tomorrow is better and that I remember the truth.